Words

Proverbs 10:18-20
He who conceals his hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool. When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise. The tongue of the righteous is choice silver, but the heart of the wicked is of little value.

The Bible has a lot to say about speech and words. No where in it does it say that "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me". It instead speaks of tongues sharpened like swords and words being used like arrows. This is much more true. No physical harm I have ever had has affected me so much as spoken words. It seems that in my adult life I have had more dealings with hurtful words spoken towards me and my spouse even from friends than when I was a teenager. Who said people grow up?

This week I was verbally attacked by a patient. Someone who only thinks he knows me, thinks he knows "my type." He categorized me as someone who doesn't care about anything but my own good. According to him, we'll call him Mr. Willis, I don't care about the war in Iraq, the people whose lives were effected by the tornadoes in Alabama, or about sick people in general. I am both too soft (for getting my feelings hurt) and too calloused(because I don't listen) to Mr. Willis. I was stuck in his room for about 20 minutes while he berated me, villianized me and accused me.

I was stuck alright. I wanted to defend myself, return his hateful words with words of my own. I remember Steve (my pastor) speaking about not defending yourself and about not managing outcomes and opinions. I took it for a while - then I had to defend myself and my coworkers. This is where the real problem came in. Mr. Willis did not want me to have an opinion nor was I entitled to have a rebuttal. He wanted me to take responsibility for everything that had happened to him that day, forgetting the fact that it was after 5pm and this was the first time I had even been into his room that day. He accused me of "pointing a shotgun and shooting bullets" at him. After about 20 minutes I finally stuttered out a response that sounded something like this, "You don't know me, if I did not care about people I would not be a nurse. I could work in research somewhere and never touch a patient ever. I cannot confirm or deny anything that has happened in this room today anymore than you can confirm or deny anything that happened in the room next door to you. But I can tell you that you hurt my feelings when you said __________ and that is when I put my wall up." I then apologized if I had upset him only to get a sigh and a shake of the head.

Now, tell me why I can recall every second of that very long one sided encounter when it is so easy to forget nice words that are spoken to me? How can one person's words cut me so deeply that I question my career and my personality, my life? I have spent so much time in reflection wondering if I really am so self absorbed. This man doesn't know me. But then my brain starts trying to pull a lesson from the encounter. Maybe God wanted me to hear those words to spur me to action, to put things in perspective. Maybe I needed to be knocked down a peg. Maybe I just was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I know that in the eyes of my place of employment I probably should not have rebutted. In the eyes of my husband I should have walked out at the first sign of conflict, but I stayed because of a customer service mindset that has been drilled into me.

I'm not sure if I will ever know why I went through that this week. Perhaps only for the reminder to watch my own mouth.

Psalm 37:30
The mouth of the righteous man utters wisdom, and his tongue speaks what is just.

Psalm 39:1
I said, "I will watch my ways and keep my tongue from sin; I will put a muzzle on my mouth as long as the wicked are in my presence."
Lord, help me to remember that words cut and wound so easily. Help me to guard my tongue from flippant observations of people. Help me to remember that you know every word before it leaves my mouth and that I am placed here to build up and not tear down. Remind me to encourage and speak kindness.

Not defined...

I am not defined by my eating disorder. Who knew? I thought it was some huge secret, some life changing defining moment-maybe it's not. Perhaps it was only an outlet to handle another life changing, defining moment. I gave a talk to the youth once about Anorexia the thing I hated the most at that point was fitting into some statistic about how many teens have "______" and "_____". I hated that I was one, am one still. Now I'm just one of how ever many twenty somethings that is still dealing with it. But it's not a huge deal. I've learned how to handle it. I try not to know about how much I currently weigh. I try not to stop myself from occasionally indulging in an extra sweet, that is easier somehow when I am alone.

It still is an issue, just yesterday I work I got judged for eating a fried chicken sandwich with a side of gummy bears. I noticed a smug smile and a shake of a head across the table. I knew what was going on and I actually had the guts to say "What is it?". Only to get a short " I don't know how you can stay so small and eat like that". My head was screaming BITE ME, I took a lot to let myself buy the stupid gummy bears and the only reason I did was because I has a coupon for a free $5 meal in the caf and I wanted to get my money's worth. I broke 100 pounds at 18. I am still only around 108, fully dressed. When I weigh myself, I always hope it is below 105. I am beyond the point in my life where I went to bed hungry, crying because my acid was eating away my esophagus. I am beyond having to take a beta blocker to control my heart's arrhythmia. I am beyond having fur on my face (though some of that has hung around). Yet I still get very anxious about weight about brownies about my jeans not fitting the same.

I have to make myself eat enough, eat enough protein and vitamins. Having a husband to cook for is probably saving me from weighing 90-something. Without him I would most likely eat like a vegetarian with the occasional chicken breast. It sometimes feels gross to cook animals and eat them. I think that I would be happier if I missed a meal. I rationalize eating less for dinner if I ate a bad lunch.

But here is the big news. I told my story, my testimony this week and I left out my anorexia. What does that mean exactly? I'm not over it. It is still my dirty little secret. It shocks people when I mention it. But I overlooked it? How? Maybe the rest of my life made a bigger impression on me. Perhaps I am still belittling it.

I don't know what it means exactly.

Feeling domestic...

Here are a few of my projects lately.

Before....





After....



For Valentines......


Detergent making..
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And some painting....

The Jesus of Suburbia - Mike Erre Exerpt

I have been reading this book for the better part of a year and half. Though I love it's words it is not a book that you can settle into after a long day, instead you must engage your brain to read it. I have been in and out of a reading phase for a while, so I was excited to get through about 75 pages on a recent camping trip with friends. The funny thing about this book is that God strikes me with the urge to read just when the next chapter I am to read in the book applies to my life most. So on the day that our preacher, Steve Cobb, was to announce a huge change in the was our church is to structure our Sunday school/Bible Fellowship Groups. Any change brings discomfort. Though I am very excited about the change to small group that meet in homes and am ready grow smaller and closer. So here is the excerpt that God had for me on that day.

"The Church and the Mall

Consumerism is the god of this age. I spend my days choosing between countless goods and services, all designed to cater to my preferences and whims. I wake up in the morning and have my choice among an absurd number of breakfast cereals (or other foods, for that matter). I can catch up on the news either by reading my choice of newspapers, by checking any number of Web sites, or by watching one (or more) of 200 TV channels. I stand in front of my closet looking at over thirty different shirts (although I usually just wear my top four), thirteen pairs of shoes, pants, shorts-most of which I don't need, let alone ever wear. I drive to work listening to one of 100 radio stations. I go out to lunch at my pick of hundreds of local restaurants, each offering an extensive menu of selections. Going to the mall or grocery store presents me with a bewildering array of choices. I spend all day, every day, deciding what I want and what will be most pleasing to me. When I choose poorly, I have "buyer's remorse"; when I choose well, I feel momentary satisfaction until I have to look into my overstuffed refrigerator and decide what to have for dinner. My life is based on my right to choose.

So it no surprise that this mentality creeps into the church. Many of us come to God with our wants, desires, and preferences in primary view. And churches, if they are not careful, begin to cater to perceived demands of their patrons. A mall mentality affects the church. We feel the need to offer a dizzying selection of services and ministries designed to "meet the needs" of the whole family, realizing. of course. that if we don't. there are many churches in the area who are willing to meet those needs. Our job, even unconsciously, becomes outdoing the "competition" down the street.

Erwin McManus, in his book Unstoppable Force, makes a distinction regarding the church, which has stuck with me. McManus distinguishes between the church as a movement and the church as an institution. A movement is concerned with it's mission-it exists for a reason and will stretch itself to grow and accommodate to fulfill that mission. An institution, on the other hand, exists for itself-it seeks to maintain the status quo and usually has a great deal of resistance to change. A movement adapts and grows; an institution preserves and guards. A movement is organic and grass roots; an institution is structured and hierarchical. This distinction exists on a continuum-every church, to some degree, is both movement and institution.

God intended his church to be a movement, guided and powered by the Holy Spirit to fulfill the mission of Christ on the Earth, which is to make disciples of all the nations and to be his witnesses to the ends of the earth (Matt 28-18-20; Acts 1:8) Both structure and organization are necessary within such a movement. We see this in the early church and the instructions of Paul. The apostles had to delegate some work to others so they could focus primarily on teaching and prayer (Acts 6:1-7). Paul put believers in positions of authority and charged them with oversight and leadership of local churches. (e.g.; Titus 1:5)

Not everything about an institution is bad, but I suspect most of it is simply unhelpful in accomplishing the mission the church has been given. When the church turns inward and begins catering to the preferences of those who are there, it leaves the dynamic edge of Spirit-led obedience to places of greater and greater discomfort. When a church spends most of its times on cherished traditions and ceases to ask God in prayerful dependence what else he may be doing (even if it doesn't look like what we are doing now) so that we may join him there, we lose the joy and wonder of seeing God do the unexpected and unplanned-for.

Many of us realize the consumer mindset is the exact opposite of the outlook we are to have when it comes to the purpose of the church. I've heard many times. "The church is the only organization that exists for it's non-members." Most agree with the sentiment; we just don't know how to do that or why. The church has been (and still should be) a revolutionary community attempting to subvert and redeem the culture around it. Perhaps the clearest picture of how the church should function within a culture that is hostile to is comes from the book of Revelation. "

Emphasis mine.

Sorry this got so long but it is such a powerful passage. I want to join Christ in his plan for our church, for our city, for our state.....

Finally !

I finally put use to all those color swatches I took from Lowe's. I had in mind, months ago when we painted, to put these swatches over the bed in a wooden frame. I had seen some awesome frames with metal clothes pins at Pier One. These were designed to hold pictures in a 3x3 matrix. I thought they would be perfect to hold the swatches but they were $18 a piece and I wanted 3. I wasn't willing to part with my money so I commissioned my father to build something similar, I think he forgot in all of the hubbub at work and I forgot too. Then, today I organized my closet and got rid of some old wire-build-it-yourself shelves. I thought I could use them for something and then it hit me. What you see is the result of free swatches, shelving I already had, scotch tape and push pins. This cost me 1.36 for the push pins today. And I like it! It brings in the yellow from the curtains and the greens from the pillows.

Love at first "site" ;o)

Fall is here and I love fall clothes!

Here are some sites I've been ogling lately.

I love almost anything from Shop Ruche

http://www.shopruche.com/shop-lookbook-c-24.html


How cute is this coat?












I have also discovered Pink Studio shoes. It's love.










Another site I just found is Nations Outfitters - they donate 5% to Habitat for Humanity. Plus they have some really cute clothing.

http://www.nationsoutfitters.com/index.php

Of course I always check out anthropologie.com, delias.com and urbanoutfitters.com


Off to search some more!

Prayers

I was flipping through my journal I kept through Centrifuge several years ago. It was a difficult time. I was a newly-wed. Newly away from my new husband which I had been only living with on the weekends due to school. I was still struggling to hear from God on the subject of "career" as I was in nursing school. I was stuck on a song called "Hosea's Wife" by my favorite, Brooke Fraser. The words that kept going through my head were

"We are Hosea's wife, we are squandering this life.
Using people like ladders and words like knives

[Chorus]
If we've eyes to see
If we've ears to hear
To find it in our hearts and mouths the word that saves is near
Shed that shallow skin
Come and live again
Leave all you were before
To believe is to begin"

I was praying asking "What do I live for?" Begging God that I not squander this life. 

Through all of this I recorded words I felt were from God, my prayer to Him and then
 another response. It was so amazing to go back and read this.

The first was
"Get real. Stop living life with a God-shaped backdrop. Let me show you how to live life more
abundant.  Let me show you what that means. "

Me "God, I want to reach people for you.  I want to be an instrument I just don't know where."

"My people are everywhere-go to my world.  Touch those you have always avoided.  Be open-be vulnerable. 
Don't you know I will take care of you? Don't you know I love you-I sent my son for you Allison. 
Do you not trust me with your life? I won't hurt you.  You may be hurt, you may love and lose.
But lean on me.  Trust me.  Surrender to me.  I will show you in time. I will get you through this
last semester.  Rest in me.  Know my peace.  Feel my love and with that love, love my people. 
You know where I have placed your heart and that scares you.  But, again, I say trust in me.
I will not lead you astray.  It may not be a straight path - But it's my path."

How is it so easy to forget the words he tells us when times change.