Garage Doors

As a high school girl I was burned many many times by my friends and those I thought were my friends. I would go home upset, crying to mom and dad and they would say something to the tune of "Forgive them but watch your back." After much deliberation I would forgive and not forget only to be betrayed again.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this scenario. We have all been burned and continue to saddle up and put ourselves out there again. It's human nature to want to become introverted. To hold our love to ourselves and not share it. But this is not what God has in mind.

As a sophomore I went to Mission fuge in Jacksonville, Florida. I wanted to go to work on houses that way I could be useful and yet keep a safe distance from those I was ministering to. We got to camp late and my plans changed. All of the construction groups were filled and I ended up working with inner city children. I was pissed! I didn't want to be around children that would stir something in me only to leave them in 5 days. During the week I became hopelessly attached and bitter. You see, before camp I had plans to become an interior designer and the longer I was in Jacksonville the more God said "Allison you need to go into service." I prayed against it at first and then succumbed to it wanting to know more. Service morphed into nursing.

Nursing, great, that doesn't hurt, right? There's no way I would have to put myself out there only to be hurt. Ha! I still feel that I have not been told specifically by God where to be a nurse but He made things very easy for me to get a job at the local hospital. I try to love my patients with God's love. I fall so short. And sometimes the patients don't make it easy. I pray every morning for my patients long before I get to work. I go in with an open mind. Usually things go well. But sometimes just as I am allowing God to work through me and I start getting attached to a person and their family, something happens. To me it feels like a garage door. In the morning I allow the garage to door to open, the day goes great and it continues to rise. Then something triggers the laser and down the door goes. I don't know how to keep loving when I am afraid of being hurt and I don't know how to love when sometimes I feel so empty.