Reading as a pastime?

College squelched my love for reading which was more of like to start with anyways. Accelerated Reader killed my love for reading. With accelerated reader books are given a grade level and an amount of points. Each student is tested to see what grade level they read at and then given an amount of points that must be earned each quarter. My reading level was higher than the grade I was in and I was forced to read books written on my reading level meaning they were harder, lengthier and the tests were more difficult. Making my life more difficult. Because I would read huge books and test badly on them (not get the points I needed), essentially wasting all the time I had spent reading that huge book. And my grades would suffer because AR counted for 25% of my literature grade.

Then came high school and honors English classes with their huge reading lists and symbolism that no one understood. Huge book reports. Posters. Sock puppets. One annoying project after another.

College. As a nursing major I lacked the time and the zeal for reading.

Since then I had just avoided reading for fun. I tried sometimes but nothing kept my interest until Redeeming Love. Francine Rivers has such a gift.

Redeeming Love takes a look at the story of Hosea and his wife. I loved being able to relate a story I was reading to the Bible and to God's love and grace for me. No matter what I do God will take me in, so willing to forgive my misdeeds. I read this book more quickly than any book in the last 7 years. My husband took notice too. I would find myself compelled to pick up the book and help Angel get back home to her loving husband.

After finishing this story I wanted to see what else Mrs. Rivers had for me to read. I went to our local library I found a couple of books. I really want to read the Mark of the Lion series but all our library had was the third book. I instead picked up the story of Rahab. It's a short book with a Bible study at the end. I've loved reading about Rahab so far. It's made me have a new appreciation for Old Testament stories. I like this new drive I have to learn more about the Bible and the customs that regulated these early believers. Hmm, I think I'll just keeping reading.

Garage Doors

As a high school girl I was burned many many times by my friends and those I thought were my friends. I would go home upset, crying to mom and dad and they would say something to the tune of "Forgive them but watch your back." After much deliberation I would forgive and not forget only to be betrayed again.

I am pretty sure I am not alone in this scenario. We have all been burned and continue to saddle up and put ourselves out there again. It's human nature to want to become introverted. To hold our love to ourselves and not share it. But this is not what God has in mind.

As a sophomore I went to Mission fuge in Jacksonville, Florida. I wanted to go to work on houses that way I could be useful and yet keep a safe distance from those I was ministering to. We got to camp late and my plans changed. All of the construction groups were filled and I ended up working with inner city children. I was pissed! I didn't want to be around children that would stir something in me only to leave them in 5 days. During the week I became hopelessly attached and bitter. You see, before camp I had plans to become an interior designer and the longer I was in Jacksonville the more God said "Allison you need to go into service." I prayed against it at first and then succumbed to it wanting to know more. Service morphed into nursing.

Nursing, great, that doesn't hurt, right? There's no way I would have to put myself out there only to be hurt. Ha! I still feel that I have not been told specifically by God where to be a nurse but He made things very easy for me to get a job at the local hospital. I try to love my patients with God's love. I fall so short. And sometimes the patients don't make it easy. I pray every morning for my patients long before I get to work. I go in with an open mind. Usually things go well. But sometimes just as I am allowing God to work through me and I start getting attached to a person and their family, something happens. To me it feels like a garage door. In the morning I allow the garage to door to open, the day goes great and it continues to rise. Then something triggers the laser and down the door goes. I don't know how to keep loving when I am afraid of being hurt and I don't know how to love when sometimes I feel so empty.

Luxury

Have you ever wondered if maybe you just aren't one of those people who get what they want in life? That maybe God has you in a control group? You aren't losing anything but you aren't really gaining anything either. Perhaps God has chosen a career for you that you are good at but don't revel in. Perhaps He has you in a house that is "just okay." Every time you pursue something great either you pick it apart so violently that it doesn't even resemble the original idea or it always seems just out of reach. What do you think He is teaching us in these moments, or lifetimes as it feels? Is He teaching us to be content with what He's given us? Or is He teaching us to reach beyond what is comfortable to where the only option is to rely on Him?

This week I stumbled upon a gorgeous house online. It so happened that the next day my husband had lunch with our friend and Realtor who just happened to ask if we had seen any houses we are interested in. See, the house we live in is what people call "a great starter home." No shame there, we are just starting. But my husband lived in this house before me and when I moved in the house had one statement: Bachelor. In the two years we have resided here as husband and wife we have done great things to this starter home. I have so many more decorating ideas and inspirations, but am reluctant to take those steps in this house because I feel that these things would be wasted. I see the value in making a house a home but I've never saw us as staying here for very long. Plus, my taste is eclectic and I do not want to personalize the house so much that people would be turned off when they come as perspective buyers. So this has limited my creativity a good bit. Not to mention, I am very very cheap!

Ok, back to the dream house. This house is in a way what my husband and I have always wanted; open floor plan, plenty of storage, hickory floors that are to die for, designer kitchen the list goes and goes. The catch? The price. The house is very much worth the price but since I've been working ( only a year and some change) my husband and I have been paying off debt so the cash pile is rather small at the moment. Right now we are not sure what a down payment would in tell all I know is that I would have to work for it, for most likely around 3 years. I know I sound like a work snob. I've only just started and I'm already looking for a way out. But when it came to children it was important for my husband and I to have a parent to stay home with the children. So the children planning may be pushed off some--for a house? Does this make sense? I'm not sure. In a way it does because I cannot see children in our current home and I can see them in the other house.


But all of this does make me wonder about wants versus needs. Yes, I've heard the verse about God giving us the desires of our hearts. But there are two lessons that could be learned in this situation. Here are the contenders: Leaning too firmly on the financial comfort we have in a smaller less dreamy home or trusting that God has put this house in our path so that we would be happy in a dream home and be forced to trust Him and stop relying on ourselves as providers.

Doing better

So I started one of these in college but it disappeared, so new year, new attitude, new blog? I'll try it. I'm not sure if this is the outlet that I hope it will be, I don't know that I want my thoughts to be public but I type more easily than I write.

I have been in a funk lately; funk meaning depressed, disillusioned, confused, mislead and whiny. I know that I need to do better. The people around me deserve better than to hear me gripe all the time, though it has helped to know that I have not been alone in my loneliness. The source of my strife is like so many, my job as well as a sense of purposelessness.

Today at church I learned that I am supposed to delight in my work. What if my heart desire for work is totally separate than my job? What if I feel like God made me good at something I dislike? I am certainly not in it for the money, at least that is not what lead me to my job. It is however one of the best motivations I have found in this redundant circle that I call life. Sleep, eat, work. Day off- lack motivation to do anything before 12. Sleep, work. Stress. Stress. Stress. Laundry. Stress. Clean.

How do I delight in this? So this Brother Laurence guy found joy in washing dishes, maybe I could too but as I think about this- he had time in his job to focus on Christ. I don't feel like this is so in my career. I feel that my patients would rather me focus on their low BP than be trying to deepen my relationship during my 12 hour shift. Not that I don't pray for guidance, most days I have prayed for my patients 3-4 times before I ever enter the doors of my workplace. But this is not going to be only griping about my job, the Lord knows I've done enough of that.

This is about doing better.

That's my new years resolution. No long list about health, wealth, and exercise. I simply want to do better than I did in 2009. Shouldn't be hard, 2009 I spent mostly in a fog trying like hell to figure out why I am where I am and where do I go from here. Doing better.... that means that when faced with a situation I will consider my options and choose better than I have. I will live like I have a mission. I will live like the blessed child of God that I am. I will fight depression and a sense of not being fulfilled because God didn't promise me that I would be fulfilled in my work. I will gripe less. Smile more. Laugh. Take some initiative in my life. Realize God is in control but not give up my role completely. I refuse to sit back and let life happen to me. I will demand more respect. Give more respect. And love like God does to the best of my ability.

I will need support, I will seek it out.

Here's to 2010, ready to begin again, begin again. :)