So I started one of these in college but it disappeared, so new year, new attitude, new blog? I'll try it. I'm not sure if this is the outlet that I hope it will be, I don't know that I want my thoughts to be public but I type more easily than I write.
I have been in a funk lately; funk meaning depressed, disillusioned, confused, mislead and whiny. I know that I need to do better. The people around me deserve better than to hear me gripe all the time, though it has helped to know that I have not been alone in my loneliness. The source of my strife is like so many, my job as well as a sense of purposelessness.
Today at church I learned that I am supposed to delight in my work. What if my heart desire for work is totally separate than my job? What if I feel like God made me good at something I dislike? I am certainly not in it for the money, at least that is not what lead me to my job. It is however one of the best motivations I have found in this redundant circle that I call life. Sleep, eat, work. Day off- lack motivation to do anything before 12. Sleep, work. Stress. Stress. Stress. Laundry. Stress. Clean.
How do I delight in this? So this Brother Laurence guy found joy in washing dishes, maybe I could too but as I think about this- he had time in his job to focus on Christ. I don't feel like this is so in my career. I feel that my patients would rather me focus on their low BP than be trying to deepen my relationship during my 12 hour shift. Not that I don't pray for guidance, most days I have prayed for my patients 3-4 times before I ever enter the doors of my workplace. But this is not going to be only griping about my job, the Lord knows I've done enough of that.
This is about doing better.
That's my new years resolution. No long list about health, wealth, and exercise. I simply want to do better than I did in 2009. Shouldn't be hard, 2009 I spent mostly in a fog trying like hell to figure out why I am where I am and where do I go from here. Doing better.... that means that when faced with a situation I will consider my options and choose better than I have. I will live like I have a mission. I will live like the blessed child of God that I am. I will fight depression and a sense of not being fulfilled because God didn't promise me that I would be fulfilled in my work. I will gripe less. Smile more. Laugh. Take some initiative in my life. Realize God is in control but not give up my role completely. I refuse to sit back and let life happen to me. I will demand more respect. Give more respect. And love like God does to the best of my ability.
I will need support, I will seek it out.
Here's to 2010, ready to begin again, begin again. :)
