June 30th my life changed forever.
I had been in denial for a few days but it was time to face the stick. 3 short minutes later I emerged from the bathroom to present my husband with a freshly peed on stick. On it was one bright pink line and one light pink line. Pregnant with my second. I waited to get too excited until I could take another test the following morning. Sure enough, the second test revealed 2 lines though one was still faint. My husband was instantly overjoyed. I'm cautious by nature and decided to keep this info on the down low. We did, however, start to share the news with our parents, siblings and close friends. Only about 4 weeks the rough due date would be March 8. To prepare myself I watched some old videos of our little one and I got all excited about having a "little" baby again.
We hardly had time to share our news, because on Wednesday July 3rd Norah and I were going to the mountains of NC for my cousins wedding. Phillip would follow on Friday and then we would go on to Boston Monday. Wednesday brought a long car trip across the state and cramping. I wasn't shocked by the cramping. I figured it was just my body getting into the swing of this whole pregnancy thing. I just knew my body was saying "Oh yeah, I remember this I'm going to stretch it all out for you and make room."
When I arrived at my uncle and aunt's house I noticed some blood. I instantly became nauseated but tried to assure myself. No big deal, implantation perhaps? I wasn't sure so I prepared for more blood and went out for my cousin's bachelorette party. More blood came. I had already started texting my husband and some of my friends back home, sending a flurry of questions hoping for the answers I wanted and not what I was fearing.
You see, God had told me in April that I would miscarry the next time I got pregnant. I questioned Him, begged Him and pleaded for this not to happen. I asked my husband to pray too. After much prayer I felt that we had talked God out of this. I felt I wasn't getting the messages from Him about loss as often, surely my pleading had changed His mind. On June 30th I had no fear that I would not carry my little one until the due date.
July 4th, more blood. More prayer. More texting. One of my friends to happens to go to the same OB as I do suggested I call the on call physician and tell them my symptoms. Just as I expected. ".....Blighted ovum you are most likely having a miscarriage....call if there is a lot of blood....." I let my husband know. Why did he have to be on the other side of the state? I needed him here with me. I was just getting adjusted to the idea of having another little one. I was an hour away from an urgent care if something "bad" happened. Do I tell everyone? anyone? I'm still nauseated, what does that mean? I should Google this and see what's going to happen to me. I don't have internet access. Why God? There has to be something from You in this.
9 days of bleeding.
9 whole days of feeling like I'm throwing my baby in the trash. At the end of this all, I'll have nothing to show for it. And to top it off, nausea. Nausea in the morning, afternoon, before meals, after meals an unrelenting reminder that part of my body still thinks there is a baby in there. Uggghhh.
We make it home from our trip and I have an appointment the next day. They take 2 tests. The urine pregnancy test comes back negative but I'll have to wait 4 days to find out if my HCG level is back to zero. If only the nausea will go away. It's one thing to be pregnant and have nausea, at the end you get a cuddly baby for all your efforts, now it only mocks me.
By July 14th I am past it physically. Emotionally, not so. We only knew about our little bean for 4 days before they were gone. Still, it feels like a loss. I have a baby that I will never get to kiss and hold. I had a baby and I have nothing to show for it. I understand why people get tattoos for their lost loved ones. I want desperately for someone to know that it happened.
For now, I wait. I wait to see what happens next. When when my next breakdown happen? Will there be another baby? How will God use this? Who will I tell? Who should I not tell? How will I tell my daughter that she has a sibling that she won't get to play with until heaven? Will I know my baby when I see it in heaven? For now I pray. I pray for strength for myself, for my husband and for my family. I know that even through this God has been so very good to me. I hurt but I can only praise Him and thank Him that I knew my March baby.
