If you are in the Christian music community I'm sure you have heard Laura Story's "Blessings." Although I think it is a beautiful song and I really enjoyed it when it first came out I kind of think that it can be a "go-to" song for when things don't turn out like we planned. I know that my way is not always God's way. But if it's alright I'd like to say I'm over the raindrops! I would like my blessings to not be disguised all the time.
Some of that is silliness, I know. It was just this morning that my heart was filled until tears ran down my face at just how blessed I am. My husband is supportive, kind, loving and fabulous man of God. He works so that I can stay home with our beautiful daughter (I know everyone says they have a beautiful daughter, but mine really is). He has blessed me with a snuggly, giggly, little girl who constantly steals my heart and warms the hearts of everyone she encounters. I have been able to easily conceive three babies, though one I did not get to meet. I have a feisty little guy growing in my belly that is a constant reminder of God's gifts. His diagnosis has people all over my city and this state on their knees for him and for us. I have been blessed from birth. My parents are gifts. My mom is a joy always there for her family and my dad is a source of strength. Just this month God saved him for us. He had a heart attack, his first one, and we found out that his heart was in need of four stents. I have a great brother and sister in law that love us and love our little girl like she were their own. I have been showered with blessings, not disguised blessings, out-and-out, no-doubt-about-it blessings.
But for the times I feel weak and picked on it's easy to worry about the things I don't yet know about. Mostly things relating to "our boy." Yes, that is what we are still calling him. No, he doesn't have a name yet.
These things have been nagging at me for over a month. Sometimes they are loud other times more of a whisper just loud enough to wake me from my rest or to break through my praises to Him.
~I feel sad about my delivery date instead of eagerly awaiting his arrival. Right now, he is safe, safe in the dark of my belly. What happens May 29th? He's on his own then, his little body will have to work on it's own and will begin a decline that will end in a frightening open heart surgery.
~What happens if his decline happens very quickly? Why can't I be a mom and not nurse mom? I don't want to worry about all of my old work terms at home on a Thursday night. I don't to have to say "lethargy, cyanosis, failure to thrive, oxygen exchange, pulmonary hypertension" Even more so, I don't want to be in a state of worry of how sick is too sick. How much failing to thrive is the magic amount that cues the surgery?
~It might sound selfish or silly but I feel like life is over after May 29th. I am so scared that life will never look "normal" again. Health decline, germophobia, poor eating, no sleep for mommy, trying to still give to my daughter, then surgery, more fear of germs, life without a spleen (school? home school? will he even be able to go to nursery?) doctor's appointments after doctor's appointments all of these things are in my future. Perhaps it seems pessimistic, it might be, but it could also be a very accurate portrayal of the life ahead of me. It is better to be prepared or to be surprised when things aren't as bad as I had prepared for?
~What if the outcome is less than favorable? Will I be able to be okay with that? Will I have terrible guilt? Will I be able to still be present for Norah?
~I worry so much about my girl, too. My first little love has no clue what's ahead and at 2 there is not much I can explain that she will understand right now. Heck, she's not even clear on "baby brother." She is so snuggly and lovey and I never want her to feel like we don't have time for her. I think it is challenging enough for an older kid to have a baby arrive how will I split my time with her and with a baby that very much needs my attention too. I want her to still sit on my lap and ask me to "hold you." There is no way she knows how much I will need that in my life how much I currently need it.
~We haven't made him a room because our house is on the market and we are praying it sells before his arrival. Sometimes I feel like not making a room for him looks like I don't plan for him to come home with us. Which is not the case, he IS coming home with us! He will live wherever we are living. He will live his little life to the fullest. I am totally in love with that little nugget. I cannot wait to touch his nose to my nose and tell him it will all be ok. If we sell this house soon, hubby better hold on, there is months worth of nesting I've been stifling. Don't think my body knowing there is only 13 weeks left has been easy.
~We don't yet know where his surgery will be and thus we cannot prepare much at all.
~I fear that all my fears will make me want to hold back from him, to put up some sort of guard for my heart. He deserves all my love as well.
I don't think about these things much. They don't occupy my thoughts all the time. But they have for a few days and I'm hoping that typing them out helps. I have only cried a few times since learning his diagnosis. But today I have cried about 8 times. Could be hormones, very possible it's hormones. Could be that next week is the would be due date of the baby we lost. Could also be that my stiff upper lip cream ran out (mental note: buy more stiff upper lip cream). All in all it's okay to know that my brave face and big smile have cracks in them. Though I know God has this He doesn't expect me to not react. He is walking with us through this, He has tears too. His tears are because my heart is aching and His heart aches too.
