Not because I look like Tyson Beckford
With the charm of Robert Redford
Oozing out my ears
But what she sees
Are my faults and indecisions
My insecure conditions
And the tears upon the pillow that I shed "
I know that God doesn't sounds anything like Blessid Union of Souls or whoever is claiming to have sung that song first, but Wednesday I kept singing "He likes me for me not because I don't lead Bible Study...."
I tried something new, a Women's Bible Study. Before I was Mom, I worked crazy hours at our local hospital and didn't commit to anything because my job made my non-job life very unpredictable. Since I quit my job (almost a year now) I have felt very, well, blah. New mommyitis maybe, but I think that I have felt inadequate to the point of stagnation.
The problem? Me. No one has told me that I am doing anything wrong. It's self inflicted. Women measure ourselves against other women. (For the record, I think men do too. The difference is if they don't like the results, they ignore them. Women don't do that). I had gotten it into my head that as a spouse of a music minister I needed to do lots more stuff. I needed to be visible to the congregation, I needed to be a support to people, know everyone's names, lead things (I didn't know what, but I should be leading something). I was so overwhelmed by all of that that I couldn't move. So I stayed in my house. I would get snippets of Jesus saying "You aren't that person, be yourself" but I would drown that voice out with a list of "shoulds." After all, doesn't my husband deserve a wife that does all of those things?
August rolled around and programs started picking up at church and I was determined to go. But, instead of leading, I was attending. Eh, got to start somewhere. Wednesday I went to a Beth Moore Bible Study on John. It was glorious. It was the depth that I needed to prompt me to read and really study His Word. While I was there I heard HIM. It was clear and wonderful. Through Paul's conversion I heard that He is busy making me no on else has ever been before. Busy means I'm a work in progress. And the rest of the statement means-No one else is like me and (here's the kicker) He doesn't want me to be anyone but me. He sees "my faults and indecisions" and "my insecure conditions" and still, He likes me for me! What a relief! If the God that has made all creation, who knows every person who has been and ever will be on this earth is happy with little ole me, aren't I cheapening that by trying to be another?
People speak of being "Called to Ministry" likewise there is a call to be the wife of a minister. But we should not confuse those. I do need to be approachable, I need to love on His people and I need to pray for His people. But, that falls into my personality, could it be that He had already equipped me for where I was needed. The reason I was not hearing from Him on what ministry to join or lead is because that's not what He needs me to do. Later, perhaps, that will be my calling. Right now, I think He's got big things in store for me intrapersonally. Right now, is my time to be filled so that I can be ready to pour out His love on His people. And I am just tickled!
I'm open to His will for me. Listening for Him. Looking for Him. Enjoying supporting my spouse and loving the family He gave me. After all, isn't that what my husband truly deserves?
