New everything

Michael Jackson's song "Man in the Mirror" has been running through my head for over a week. Sort of, It's been more like "I'm starting with the Mom in the mirror...."

Things have changed so much in the last 2 months. The change started with quitting my job in November in anticipation of Norah's arrival. Her due date was 11/23 so my last day of work was 11/14. But Norah didn't come. I know, I know most first time mom's go over their date. I was sure she would come close to her date but I was not dilating. At home I was getting frustrated at sitting around, nesting uncomfortably. My computer died soon after I stopped working. I was utterly cut off from the world. No job to distract me, no mindless searching of the internet, I don't have a smart phone, we don't have cable...what to do? Sit at home alone. Seemed logical to me.

Eventually Norah arrived on the 5th of December (most likely blog about her birth later). I was so excited to start this part of my life. I was over the pregnant thing and ready to be an active mother-newborn in arms. Now I wanted time to slow down so I could soak it all in.

So, now, everything has changed. I used to work 3-12 or 14 hour shifts. I used to do my part and sometimes more to help the staff get out on time, doting on patients, caring for them and their families, answering phone calls sorting papers, talking to doctors, putting charts together and sometimes all at the same time. I felt that I had purpose, sure I griped about ALL of it, but I did love the sense of self that I had. Now a successful day includes showering and dressing and a few menial tasks around the house. My new way of thinking about time is in 2-3 hour chunks. Don't get me wrong, I find my new job very rewarding. Who wouldn't love taking care of the cutest little Norah in the world. She truly has changed my heart. I now more than ever appreciate the sacrifice that God gave in giving His Son to die. Norah has given me so much joy in her short time here on earth. She has helped me transition into motherhood, I think rather smoothly.

There have been some changes that are more difficult to manage. I find that staring at the "Mom" in the mirror what I see are dark circles, stretch marks, maternity jeans, milk heavy boobs,and a spare tire. I do feel that the weight has come off more quickly than I feared but I'm ready to get cleared to work out and start working on my belly. Weight has always been a identifier for myself. I've been the skinny girl, the little one, the little brunette and I wonder what identifying feature people will pick out now that I'm not a size 0. Is there anything else about me worth mentioning?

Which brings me to today's dilemma. I want to help my husband more at his job, he also had big changes in his job-life lately, I want to be a volunteer somewhere to help someone, to be more emotionally available, to help friends, visit friends, encourage but I don't. Why?

I don't call because I have huge and I mean huge social anxiety. I don't initiate because I don't want to interfere in people's busy schedules. I haven't involved myself outside the home because I don't want to take my newborn into the world that frequently because of fear of getting her sick. I don't do these things because I fear that I have nothing to offer anyone.

I promise myself that I will get better about all of this, eventually. I know that things will change once Norah is a little older because I am going stir crazy at home all of the time. But I also know that the longer I stay inside the harder it is to engage myself outside.

So back to the song

I'm Gonna Make A Change,
For Once In My Life
It's Gonna Feel Real Good,
Gonna Make A Difference
Gonna Make It Right

I'm starting with the Mom in the Mirror and I'm asking her to change her ways.